If this isn’t a death
Posted on: January 14, 2026
If this isn’t a death
. . .
If this isn’t a death,
well,
that is what I crave.
A death to end this grief and sorrow.
A death to end the lacklustre.
A renewal of life.
A rebirth of the self.
Alchemy of the consciousness.
Breakthrough of actualisation.
While I honour the depth of awareness this journey is bringing me on –
And no longer fear the consequences –
I still crave for the tears to dry,
for the hours pass
without my cheeks stained in sadness.
For the resistance in my throat
to stop strangling me
when I attempt to face others
who know not of
the dark forests
I wander through, aimlessly.
Pretence is a coping mechanism –
occasionally necessary
when containers would do more harm than good
But it reeks of deceit.
I cannot sustain it.
So I rather not participate with it.
You hear and see of me less.
And that is ok.
For when the pretence is given a purpose,
it thrives on it.
It grows.
It gives meaning to falsity
To meet the rawness of what lives in me,
I face my fears –
the big ones that terrify me.
This is why I crave a death.
A death of the identity that once was.
The hardest thing
is to let go of the thing you love –
what you have become
attached to,
enmeshed with.
The labels and narratives
that others place on you,
and that you cling to
to make meaning of this life
Time to go.
A little death of the ego.
…
Timing note – for those who speak astrology
Astrology is not needed to defend or support this.
Nor are the circumstances of my life.
This is life.
But this was written during a 3° Aquarius Pluto square to my 11th House 3° Taurus Sun,
opposite my 3° Scorpio Pluto –
and a Uranus transit conjunct my 12th House 27° Taurus Mars,
conjunct Chariklo.
A death of the self.
A metamorphosis of identity and consciousness.
A breakdown of will and fight –
held by the quiet breakthrough
of the Death Doula.